The silent companion...

Hidden deep in my heart
like a rock on an ocean bed
is my silent companion
in day, and in night

It remains unseen
And it remains unfelt
in the crests and troughs
of my everyday chores

But in the stillness of my heart
and in the darkness of my nights
It surfaces to feeling
It floats to the shore

It envelopes me as mist
and condenses in my tears
It questions my self-worth
and identifies itself, as pain !

Word "Power" !.

A dear friend very recently spoke a few wonderful words to me ...

"Happiness and strength lie within you. Do not look for them outside. Find the strength you need within yourself. So don't feel awful when situations turn topsy- turvy, instead just get simply awesome because that is what you really ARE".

The last sentence, especially, continued to resonate and reverberate in my head long long after I heard it. It also reminded me of the power of words. The right words, spoken at the right time can create magic. The other day, after a really long time, S and I found some time to relax with some soulful music. This was very important for us because we were both feeling an inner urge to relax and slow down for a while, some welcome respite from our otherwise super hectic and tiresome days. One of the songs said -

"Ek Khushboo Aayi thi, Main Bhataktaa Jaata Tha,
Reshmi Si Maya thi, Me Thaktaa Jaata Tha,
Jab Teri Gali Aaya, Sach Tabhi Nazar Aaya,
Mujhme hi Wo Khushboo Thi, Jise Tu ne Milvaaya"

(Meaning: I smelt a fragrance and wandered in search of it. This silk-like delusion exhausted me a lot. But I realized the truth only when I finally came to You. The enchanting fragrance was right here, within my own self, and not elsewhere)

Well, a lot of things are easier said than done, especially good things. But I feel it is better to be inspired at least for a while than to remain unmotivated forever. Okay, at least you sleep well and sound after hearing nice stuff, don't you? (Holds true for me :) )

For patient, interested and curious readers, this is a nice link I recently tumbled upon. From my side, I strongly urge you to visit and READ the contents because the problem addressed is breathtakingly common.

Peace !

Welcome 2010

New Year resolutions have always been elusive to me. The harder I try to stick to them, the faster they seem to say, "good bye. Tough luck baby ! Try again next time(year)...". So, this time, I have chosen to not RESOLVE on anything but instead, pray humbly and sincerely thus -

" O Lord ! Starting now, whatever I do, small or big, important or inconsequential, please give me the strength and the inspiration to exhibit perfection and strive for excellence - because when I express perfection in my action, I am indeed expressing You, who are the ultimate perfect and complete in-dweller of all."

The Fifth of September

Birthdays are always special. For one thing, they remind you that time is running out :( and for another, they remind your friends/loved ones of you :). This birthday was no exception. When V called from US, fond memories of yester years came back.

I remember two incidents particularly. For some strange reason, we used to be obsessed with our belongings in office (this was when we were just interns in y!). Even to go to the cafeteria for lunch, we used to make a huge scene of whispers, signals and signs, pack our cubicles up, zip our bags, put them on and be off, get back after lunch, unpack the whole thing and start working with a grave face, not realising all the while, that we were causing acute embarrassment to ourselves and immense entertainment to passersby.. until one day, a snobbish senior of ours confronted us.."edukku neenga BITS oda maanatha vaangaringa? Unga bagsa yaarum tookindupoyidamaata." (Why are you spoiling the BITSian name? Nobody is going to flick your bags). If I remember right, we hung our faces, jolted at the idea of having to leave our dear darling bags behind.But we did it ! (for the sake of you-know-what).Ugh! We hated ourselves.

Another one is the y! cafeteria. We had free lunch (that makes it yummier, doesnt it?). Anybody who has graduated from BITS would agree with me when I say that we were famished and deprived of good food all four years. On the other hand, B'lore offered us such huge variety that one could still be famished because one could never choose what to eat first. So this is what V and I did. After the above mentioned ritual of packing our sacks and marching to the cafe, we would place ourselves in the most comfortable corner of the cafe and start our next elaborate ritual.. eating! First it would be rotis, sabji, dal with papad. Then it would be rice with rasam/sambar. Then some sweet. Then curd rice (V cant exist without this :P ). And each of these courses would have second helpings. we wouldnt be satisfied even then. Fruits would follow next. Finally when there is nothing else to eat, we would pick our sacks and march back - going fat and chubby all the while, of course :P. One day, unfortunately, we had to share our table with a few guys who spoke Telugu with each other. V and I conversed in English/Tamil and observing that, one of them, dared to comment on our food.."Ammo! Veellu enta tintunnaru! Ippudu banana kooda tintunnaru. Ganta nunchi tintunee unnaru." (My!How much would these girls eat? After all that food, they are eating bananas now and they have been eating for an hour!!). That was the end ! It hurt our feelings. our hearts cringed and turned and cried (you can add more verbs for some more spice). We decided gravely and in sorrow, took an oath. No more gluttoning, no, not at the cost of our dignity. :D. We cursed the guy would become sooooo fat that he wouldnt ever get married. How dare he ! And how poor us !

Then there was so much more. The early morning blues, bathroom struggle, discussions, PG aunty, M kutty (she used to always play my fav songs whenever we went to eat), Mungaru Male, falling in love with Sonu Nigam, the bus journey - the running,panting and sleeping, my shloka reading in the bus, SHOPPING (we shopped like crazy - mostly window shopping in big places, actual shopping in small places), staring at the Central, our pride in our first bank account and pay check, the PAN card office, running in B'lore rain, the ISKCON temple ordeal (S was left behind and we all screamed at the conductor), popcorn prasadam, GURU SONGS (all of us were crazy about "Tere Bina". We would melt and dream and cry :P ), the dhobi lady and the little kid (Umesh), the distance education supervision and extra money, the long long walks on MG road, bunking office and walking to Commercial Street (When? in the afternoons), the volvo buses, the all day bus pass, the DOGS (I hate B'lore dogs. I remember I cried when a pack of those killed a kutty boy. It was all in the papers), Mohan Nayak (Ha! V and I can never forget that guy and his "Madam.. rose madam.." lol), fights in PG, yells, tears, strikes (we wont have food in PG strike. Ha!), house hunt with S (once I remember we got scared seeing the house owner lady and ran. She looked like some.. Uf! never mind now), trips back home, train journey alone for the first time, home alone with S and all night chats, brief interludes in the y! gym and resolution to come even on weekends (which never happened), Sai Baba mandir and the walks on Sundays, creepy guys who keep calling you, turn up at ATMs and ask you to come to Cafe Coffee Day ( after which you would run for dear life)... much much more...

REALLY, it pays to be silly and stupid sometimes, in small things. Looking back, they provide the loveliest of memories. And thus today has begun and would be spent, in nostalgia.

"Anticipatory"

is the word which would best describe my mood over the last couple of days. I would pine and long in restless eagerness for something until the moment arrives and departs in a jiffy, like a flash of lightning. I am sure many of you have been where I am right now. (For instance,looking forward a weekend after a hectic work week, until Friday evening arrives, only to soon find yourself going to bed on Sunday night.)Definitely there have been endless "wishes and prayers" - if only Friday evening would stand still - the weekend having started but not quite.

I am reminded of a profound poem we learnt way back at school. John Keats, one of the most revered English poets, bases this poem on the pictures on an Urn (an earthen pot) and marvels at how each moment is captured forever on the Urn.

For example, the lover, just about to passionately kiss his beloved is caught in that intimate moment on the Urn. Yes, he would now never kiss his love - but all the same, his passion would never die, his beloved would never cease to entice him, his love would never fade away.

"Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard
Are sweeter: therefore, ye soft pipes, play on;
Not to the sensual ear, but, more endear'd,
Pipe to the spirit ditties of no tone:
Fair youth, beneath the trees, thou canst not leave
Thy song, nor ever can those trees be bare;
Bold lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal - yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair! "

The poem ends with "Satyam(truth) Shivam (auspicious existence) Sundaram (beauty)" - at least that is what I have understood

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty," - that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

My tribute to all those poets/souls who could think such beautiful , yet profound thoughts and to the Creator from whom all what Is , arises...

Life's Like This...

It amazes me how some pestilential specimen on the earth could be such experts in bugging. A septagenerian on my most recent train journey stood testimony to this fact.

Travelling alone has never been an exciting experience in the past. So the presence of my uncle this time, evoked the undaunted chatterbox in me. We were in the middle of this really involving and amusing, light discussion about "hypocrisy in following traditions" when I heard THE VOICE. I guess God would have sounded that way when He said "Let there be Light". THE VOICE belonged to a slightly hefty, round bellied, white haired old man sitting beside me and munching chapathis. He pronounced "You are wrong" and started blabbing about how the usual symbols of an Indian girl (a bindi, bangles, MangalSutra - he did not bother to think if I was actually married or not) are missing in me and how our "culture" and "tradition" are lost in most of us and this and that and this again and that again. He volunteered to provide some "musical" entertainment by graciously blowing his own trumpet - "Oh I do Yoga, Pranayama everyday. Oh I walk for half and hour everyday even at my age. Oh I follow strict diet." - Probably that is the trade secret behind his hanging belly which seemed to walk before him wherever he went, like a bodyguard.

It was evident on his face that he disliked me - intensely in that, reasons unknown. It was also more evident that most of what he was speaking was mere lies. Irony - Our discussion on hypocrisy actually tempted our dear neighbour on the train to be unbearably and shamelessly hypocritical. Honesty, for him, seemed to be hidden at the bottom of a bottomless abyss. Age, trials, tribulations in life have apparently failed to teach him to speak atleast simple truths. I wondered how many more of us are like that. The train moved fast, he kept preaching, a few others including my uncle nodded along and asked "doubts" (Wham!), I sat silent, alone again.The journey continued...

Uncureable Curiosity !

As far as my knowledge goes, there are two kinds of people - the curious and the not non-curious. In effect, curiosity inflicts all.

The not non-curious type dont ask questions. However, if you are in a mood to talk, they are ALL ears. The curious kind bombard you with questions - all sorts. But the good curious kind empathize with you and try to help you or console you or whatever. The not-so-good curious people irritate me the MOST. To start with, they are least interested in your well being. And their questions are unending - to the point of insensitivity and shamelessness.

One of my acquaintances happens to portray herself this way. She HAS to ask questions - however worthless and inconsequential . It is either RAW curiosity or some overflowing feeling of altruism to spread general knowledge to others about others. In a few of your good, tolerant moods, you can actually find her (and hence such people) very amusing and derive some entertainment value. Dont be surprised if you perceive a radiant glow on their faces and the most dazzling sparkle in their eyes while they put you through the ultimate test of patience. (Mind you, otherwise these people could be very listless about every other thing in the world) The worst part is that the conversation becomes so unbearable that you would want to run to a stationery store, buy a roll of cellophane and expend it entirely on their mouth area. Typical questions would be like this - Candidate looks at a cap and asks.."Oh is this a cap?". You roll your eyes and say "yes". Bang comes the next question(s) - "Where did you buy? How much did you pay? When will you go there next? Where are you going to wear this? Are there other colors? How many? ......" (extending to infinity). Well, that was just to give an example - a very simple and humble one at that.

Well, I have let my frustration out. I had a bout of useless curiosity thrown at me from a totally unempathizing personality and was irritated - having vented that out, let me now get back to work.